Going through life without someone who is *supposed* to be there is extremely difficult. It makes everything so much harder. Times that are supposed to be great, are tainted. You feel guilty being happy about things you should be able to feel happy about. You feel such a variety of emotions on days most people would only feel joy. And it is hard. Sometimes you just sit and beat yourself up about the *good times.* Eventually, you have to give yourself a break...and let yourself lower your standards for *Happy.* They aren't going to be the same as other people. Your happy times will always have that haunting feeling overshadowing the occasion. It is similar to that feeling you get when you know you are forgetting something important, but you cannot remember what it is. Or the feeling I assume shoplifters get when they steal something really good. Sure, they are excited about their new item, but can they really enjoy it knowing it was ill-gotten?
The best way I can explain it is by looking at a jigsaw puzzle. Imagine you have a one thousand piece puzzle. You put that whole damn thing together, only to realize that somewhere along the way you lost three pieces. Sure, you still put 997 pieces together in their correct places, but it still isn't right. Because you know, those other three pieces SHOULD be there...and the picture is a little off without them. But you can't do anything about it. You can't truly be happy that you did all you can do, even though you should be. It isn't your fault the pieces are missing after all...
The worst (unfortunately) is when a fantastic occasion comes up. Your brother gets married to a girl you absolutely adore. Or your son is about to turn one year old. Or your daughter gets along with her new step-cousin-in-law (or whatever the hell the girl is)...You feel that sting in your heart behind every smile. Because you know that this New Happy is the happiest you will ever truly be. And anything above that would feel like a betrayal, a farce, a denial of things past. And it becomes hard to determine what is worse: Not allowing yourself to enjoy any of life's truly amazing gifts, or feeling guilty about everyday that you *do* enjoy. Some days, it's a toss-up. And it totally depends on how much alcohol you have consumed.
So, you have to redefine *happy* for yourself. You have to lower the bar. You have to realize that the hand you were dealt had no wild cards, no straights. Shit, it didn't even have a low pair. But eventually, you have to be ok with it. Sure, the good times will always be bitter-sweet. You will always have that home-sick feeling even when you are already home. But, if you just realize that your Happy is a hard-earned, hard-won Happy--well, maybe it will be all right in the end.
