Dear Eagle Watchers:

Dear Eagle Watchers of Alton:

Just because you catch a glimpse of a Bald Eagle on Route 143, that does not give you permission to slam on your brakes in the middle of the highway, or drive 30 miles an hour in the left lane while simultaneously trying to take a picture out your window. If you do decide to actually pull off the road, you should not get out of your car and proceed to stand in the MIDDLE of the right lane to get a better picture of said birds.

Yes, I realize they are our nation's bird, and are a symbol of all things majestic and brave and beautiful. But seriously people, they come every winter. And they hardly ever do anything that exciting, anyway. Now if one of them starts dive-bombing sight-seers on the levee, I will be the first in line to watch that show. Until then, I must ask if it is really worth taking your life (or the lives of those around you) into your hands to watch an over-grown hawk sit in a tree, or crap along the side of the road.

So, in closing, let me assure you that I, for one, will not feel that bad for wrecking into you if you are driving like a jack-wagon, or are standing out in the road as if it is your own private eagle viewing party. The road is NOT a parking lot! Go further up the river road where you can actually park and view the eagles in peace without the threat of becoming roadkill.

Ok, Hardee's We Get It

You may as well change your slogan to, Hardee's: The Preferred Fast Food Chain of Perverts and Sex Offenders Across the Nation.

We get it. You are proud of your perviness and the fact that your marketing executive has the emotional maturity of a thirteen year old. You think boobs, butts, and sexual inuendo are the way to win over America's heart and disctract everyone from the fact that your food isn't fit to give to my dog. WE GET IT. But I just wanted to let you know that everytime I watch one of your commercials or hear about your biscuit holes on the radio I feel like vomitting, taking a shower, and reporting my TV to the local police station for sexual harassment.

I don't understand two things. Ok, there are definitely more than two things I don't understand. But for today, I will just focus on two things.

First, I don't understand my computer. Every time I come to work and turn it on I have a little icon that comes up on the bottom right hand corner of my desktop that says, "Updates are ready for your computer!" And I usually ignore it because every time I click on that little icon, Mr. Computer tells me I must restart my computer, and well I just don't have time for that kind of nonsense. So, I go about my business, trying to ignore the fact that my computer is running slow and freezing every fifteen minutes. Finally I break down and decide to update the damn thing.

I click on the icon. It says *Installing 20 updates* or some ridiculous number. It says "Do not shut down. Windows will automatically shut down when updates are installed." So, I go get a soda, and I hang out in the break room. I wait for this stupid computer to get done updating itself. Finally, it is done. I turn it back on. As soon as the desktop comes back on, my icon pops up and says, "New updates are ready for your computer!" What the hell? So, I scold Mr. Computer and tell him he already had his chance and should've updated himself completely. I cannot be held responsible for his procrastination. He has frozen up 36 times since then, but I will not cave in. I must teach him a lesson.

The second thing I don't understand today is the thought process behind certain signs at the grocery store. I saw a sign this weekend for avocados. They were on sale for 58 cents. The sign said, "Normally $1.18" This is a lie. I have been buying avocados there for the last six months and I have literally never paid $1.18 for one. I have paid $2.00 in the off season, and lately they have been 78 cents. What do these people think they are trying to pull? Honestly. Do they think that us regular shoppers have retrograde amnesia, resulting in an overbundance of joy at finding avocados for such a great deal? How many avocados can one person eat in a week before they go bad, anyway? Am I really going to adjust my avocado spending budget because of an imaginary increase in money saved? Doubtful. Highly doubtful. I am on to you, Super Market Sign Guy. I have a mind like a steel trap and I am not going to fall prey to your deceitfulness. No siree...

No Sauce!

i go to Subway two or three times a week for lunch. it is right across the street from work, i don't feel guilty after eating it, i can get a meal for around $5.00. the same lady is always working when i go there. everyday i get the exact same thing. i'm just like that. i know what i like, why screw with it? so, anyway, every single day after putting on the meat and cheese she asks me, "Do you want your sandwich toasted?" and everyday i say, "No thanks." and then everyday she asks, "What do you want on it?" and everyday i say, "Just lettuce, please." and everyday she says, "That's it? You don't want any sauce?" and i say, "No."

EVERYDAY!!!

i mean, holy crap, i realize that if you are in your forties and are still working at a fast food restaurant, you may not be the most intelligent person in the room. but she really doesn't seem to be mentally deficient in any way, i mean, she counts change without screwing up (of course, it isn't too difficult since the freaking cash register tells you what to give back, now). Maybe she suffers from anterograde amnesia, i don't know. it is really annoying.

i used to go to a different Subway all the time when i worked at a car wash as a teenager. i would go there everyday at lunch. i would just walk in and they would start making my sandwich before i even got up to the counter. it isn't that difficult. chances are, since i have been getting the EXACT same sandwich every single time for the last year, i'm probably not gonna walk in all of a sudden and order something else. i mean, if i did decide to do that, i would preface my order by saying, "Hey! Guess what! I'm trying something new today!" because I, being an intelligent observer of human nature and tendencies, would assume that the "Sandwich Artist" would be getting ready to pull out the same loaf with the same meat and cheese and lettuce, and I would give them a fair warning.

Luckily, i don't have to worry about all of that with this woman because she is apparently suffers from some sort of short term memory loss. maybe i should put a polaroid of myself on the counter with a caption saying, "NO SAUCE!"