Businesses in Houses

Random Thought #457

You really should not try to have a business out of a building that looks exactly like a house, or that used to BE a house unless any of the following are true:
1) The house has gigantic windows in front that you intend to keep clear of blinds, curtains or any other opaque obstacle between the street and your merchandise

2) The house is on a very busy street LINED with other business-houses

3) The house is a hundred year old mansion and every local within a 50 mile radius knows that it is now zoned for commercial property and that no one has lived there for years

Now, let me tell you why. See, some of us are paranoid nut-jobs and when we googlemaps a store location, drive there and realize that the place we are seeking is a two-story bungalow sitting outside a suburban neighborhood with only a hand-painted sign out front signifying that it is a business and not a residence, our minds go into over-drive and start envisioning ridiculous scenarios that we are already fully aware will probably never take place. However, once those thoughts are inside our minds, they are hard to shake.

For instance, this past weekend I drove past a little house sitting out in the middle of nowhere on an old road, outside of a major metropolis. A sign out front read, "Coffee Shop" but I wasn't buying it. All of the windows were covered, the front door was nothing but a regular six-panel wooden door. How do I know that once I walk through that door I'm not going to be turned into a wax manequin or a human lamp? It is a pretty good cover, really. Act like you are a coffee shop, but dismember people in your basement. (Yes, I know I watch too many horror films. My husband is probably right to try and cure me of that...)

Second, even if it IS a legitimate business, if it looks like a house, I always feel awkward just walking in. Yes, I am a pretty introverted person and I am sure others do not have this problem. But my inner dialogue when faced with such a dilemma goes like this:

"Should I knock?"
"No, of course not. It is a store!"
"Yes, but what if it is just one little old lady selling antiques and she is at lunch, but she just has lunch in her own kitchen because she lives here, too and I walk in and make her get up and put her slippers back on just to greet me at the door?"
"Well, if they were at lunch, I am sure there would be a sign up, or the door will be locked."
"Oh, ok. Yes, there would be a sign up. Or the door will be locked... I will try the door." ---door creaks open...
"Oh, it isn't locked! I bet they just forgot to lock it. It is definitely lunch time Oh, shit I will just go to the freaking mall!"

Now, if the business looks like a home but has huge picture windows that can easily be seen from the street, I feel a little better. SURELY no one will turn me into furniture if any old passerby can see inside the house. If there is merchandise displayed in the window, even better. Then I know that you at least have stuff for sale (or are very committed to conning people) and I can feel a little relieved when I walk through the front door without knocking first.

So, these are just a few marketing tips for anyone who is looking to open their own business in the near future. Yes, I am looking into starting therapy sometime soon. Thanks for asking.

Random List of Things I Thought About Today

1) If being an adultress is so bad, we should really stop making celebrities out of all the home-wrecking whores who sleep with famous married men.

2) A sports bra coupled with pajama pants is really not going out attire. Related fact: If your shirt doesn't cover your belly (pregnant or not) you really should not wear it to the unemployment office, or to a job interview. Or probably anywhere else.

3) The idiot in front of you going ten miles under the speed limit will ALWAYS be the first one in a line of traffic to run a red-light. I really want to follow these people to their destinations and explain to them that had they been driving the speed limit, they would have made the light in the first place-- along with the fifty-seven of us stuck behind them.

4) If you have to pull into on-coming traffic to make a right-hand turn, you really should not be allowed to drive. I edited this comment, because my first suggestion for people like this made the the angel on my right shoulder cry.

5) I go back and forth on the issue of the death penalty. I am really liberal when it comes to MOST issues, but for some reason I have a hard time towing the party-line on this one. In theory, I am against the death penalty. I mean, it actually costs MORE money to kill someone than to make them rot in prison until they die. Besides, I think a life of imprisonment would be WORSE than dying in some instances. And, if I think about it long enough I guess I believe that some people can be rehabilitated, that all life has meaning, and (fill in the blank with bleeding-heart-liberal reason HERE). However, if someone did something to my kids, I know within my soul that the authorities better find the bastard before my husband or I do.

Hmmm... that is all for now.

More FAILS brought to you by craigslist...

IT RUN AND DRIVE BUT I MADE A MISTAKE OF BUY IT BECAUSE MY LEG CANT IT BECAUSE IT A 5SPEED STICKAND IT HAS AN OPEN TITLE ON IT. CALLXXX-XXX-XXXX

Yet another victim of grammar... Is he seriously blaming his leg for not being able to drive a 5 speed? Wouldn't you know it was a 5 Speed before you bought it? Well, at least it runs AND drives. That is lucky... and how did you buy it if it has an open title???

Whatever. NEXT!

this car i bought 2 days after new years (in America, we call that day January 3rd) need a car for work and i bought it for 1700 of a dealer paid it in cash (ok, thanks for letting us know)
and already changed OIL sensor and TRENSMISION sensor (well, I have no idea what that is, but I am glad you changed it) and this car is awesome to me it got me to work i bought it with 148,8xx miles and
has 155.xxx know its all high way miles for work and am selling so cheap because am moving out of the country and need the money END OF JUNE amd
leaving JULY 7th SO I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SELL IT THIL JUNE 30TH OR JULY 3RD

am asking 1000 OR... OBO.......(dude, you don't have to put OR.. the first "O" in OBO stands for OR) NO TRADESS........ because this car is worth more then a 1000 the way it is

I don't know why, but I just couldn't stop laughing while reading this

its a V6 automatic 2.5L never i never went over 80 because i DO NOT RACE it like other idiots (you let other idiots race your car? That is a really poor decision) its just a work car to get me A to B

the GOOD..(oh, good there's more!)
the car runs GREAT
has moon roof
has a cd player that can plug up UBS and ipods
the ENGINE IS VERY CLEAN (oh, good. I hate when I have to look at dirty engines)
i bought the car wit check engine light on and the dealer passed it for me (What? What does this mean? You cannot pass emissions with a check engine light on... no dealer can do that. Unless he is scamming you because he wants to sell you a car)
and he put new engine mounds on it to hold it together I am guessing you mean that he put new MOUNTS in the car to hold the engine in place. But I may be wrong. Maybe he built up giant mounds Native American style to pay homage to engines everywhere, in the hopes that this would keep away evil engine demons who wish to tear your engine apart. I don't know.
it has no rust on enigne Yes, you have established how clean it is already




the bad.....
check engine light is on
driver seat goes back its broken its automatic seat huh?
it has little bit rust on the side skirts because of its age
owner before me tryed setting up the wiring to the speakers and they messed it up and know i never tryed to fix it but i bought a twitter from walmart What?
and on the side fender has a dent in it i got sit by a drunk and he ran off I am sorry, but I just keep imaging some drunk guy with running up and *sitting* on this guy's fender and then running away like a mad-man. Maybe those engine mounds didn't help after all...

Please, I know I am being a bitch, but look at this grammar and spelling. PLEASE STATES EVERYWHERE IN THE U.S.A.: THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY WE NEED *MORE* FUNDING FOR EDUCATION. NOT *LESS.* WE HAVE PEOPLE DRIVING CARS AND WORKING WHO CANNOT SPELL SIMPLE WORDS LIKE *TRIED* AND THEY DO NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN *NO* AND *KNOW.* AND THEY CANNOT FORM GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES EVEN WHEN MONEY AND WELL-BEING DEPEND ON IT! And it really pisses me off. The system has been failing all over the place. Ok, rant over.

Welcome to a new segment I like to call: Craigslist FAIL

I have had the pleasure of needing to use craigslist a lot lately. I use it to hunt down jobs for people, and right now we are in the market for a new vehicle (read: any used car that still runs and gets more than 20 miles to the gallon). So, I have run across quite a few interesting ads and decided to share them with you all (I have x'ed out all phone numbers and other identifying information). First one I ran across today:

"VERY BRITY BLACK CADILLAC MIGHT HAVE A HEAD GASKET LEATHER SEATS SUNROOF PRICE TO SELL CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX"

This is the classic, "I don't understand punctuation nor do I care to know it's relevance in the English language" post. It MIGHT have a head gasket? I sure as shit HOPE it has a head gasket. In fact, if it is a V6 or V8, I hope it has TWO! WTF? And what the hell does "brity" mean? FAIL

The next one I found today that made me chuckle to myself...

For Sale: 1990 Nissan 240SX. In Fair condition. Needs interior work. No A/C, electric headlights don't work, Motor is not working. Doesn't run. (Okay at this point I am beginning to doubt the seller's knowledge of the meaning "fair condition.") Nice car to fix up a little, and is a good racing/drifting car. (I am guessing he means when it runs?) Is asking $1000.00 OBO. If you have any questions just contact the e-mail provided. Car is a 2 door hatchback, manual, some rust spots, has sun roof, No radio. We will detail it before pickup. (What the frick for? Are you kidding me? You are going to waste money getting this POS DETAILED???) Nice Peppy car once it runs. (But in the mean time, I want you to pay me $1000 for a 20 year old car that has no a/c, no headlights, no working motor, no radio, and has rust--the car equivalent of cancer. MmmmkSureThanksbubye!)

More to come as I run across them...

Driving In The Rain

I don't know what it is about rain that makes many of you crazy. Is it the over-stimulation of all the pretty lights being reflected in the puddles in the street? Do you get distracted by the wipers going back and forth, back and forth across your windshield? I know; Maybe it is that the pitter-patter of the drops falling on the roof of your car lulls you to sleep at the wheel. Is that it? Please help me out. Because if I have to drive behind one more vehicle going 15 mph's under the speed limit during rush hour because it is sprinkling, I am going to scream.

I will make this very simple. If you cannot drive in the rain, or if you are too scared to drive at the first sign of cloud cover, please do the rest of us a favor and stay at home. We know you have places to be, but please call-in sick to work, find a bus or a friend who can take you where you need to go. It will make everything more pleasant for all of us. I understand if it is a down-pour. Please, if you feel like you can no longer drive safely due to rain fall, pull over and wait it out. Oh, and turn your flashers on so everyone can see you.

For those of you who just HAVE to drive in the rain despite your complete absence of sense while doing so, here are some tips:

1) If it is raining hard enough that you need your wipers on, you should also have your headlights on. Not only is this a law in many states, it is also just a really swell idea. You see-- as my four year old pointed out the other day as we were driving in the dreary, London-like fog-- when it is raining the sun is hidden from view, making early morning rush hour look much like dusk, or even nightfall! Lights are a grand idea if you would not like other drivers plowing into you on the road.

2) Hydroplaning is not that big of a deal if you have both hands on the steering wheel. In other words, when it is raining put your fricking phone, donut, or mascara down and drive the car! And don't swerve all over the place trying to over-correct yourself. Just hang on to your wheel and keep the tires going forward!

3) If you do not know what hydroplaning is, stay home. Seriously. I don't care if Christ himself invited you over for dinner. Stay the hell away from the car until it clears up outside.

4) If you have found this post to be confusing or rude, please find someone who thinks it is funny and have them drive your dumb ass around next time it rains.

Dear Wii Balance Board:

Dear Wii Balance Board,

You are a jerk. Here is why:

1) You are constantly telling me to do the body test and then when I do you mock me and tell me how off-pace I am to reach my goals. You then proceed to ask me invasive questions about my snacking habits that leave me feeling insecure all day.

2) After said body balance tests, you continually ask me if I walk into things on a regular basis. I don't know what you are trying to get at with this line of questioning, but you should know that it is pretty rude.

3) You are always telling me how old I am and you are always wrong. You know how old I am. You asked me before you would let me do anything else. Ass. Don't try to say it is just my *Fitness Age* I am so sick of that excuse. How can my fitness be 21 one day and 39 the next? What kind of game are you playing here?

4) The other day you told me to go easy on my afternoon snacks. I don't know how you knew I had just eaten four girl scout cookies you psychic bastard, but I really don't like to be lectured about my snacking habits when all I want to do is skateboard in the virtual world.

5) Your batteries are always going dead. For someone who just sits there, you sure do drain a lot of batteries. God, you're so wasteful.

6) When I first got you and you asked me to "Step On," you would always say, "GREAT!" as I did. Now everytime I step on you groan, "OH!" like the last thing you want to do in the entire world is support my fat ass. Well guess what you insensitive prick, I am getting sick of it. I haven't even gained any weight since I bought you, so I don't really know what your problem is. Get over it because I am addicted to the snowball throwing, obstacle course, and skateboarding games now. I kick ass at virtual kung-fu and virtual boxing, and I'm not going to stop now just because of your bad attitude. Oh, and no one cares that you can weigh a freaking dog on you. That is stupid. Was that your idea? I bet it was. Pet and baby statuses? Really?

In closing, I hope this letter has opened your eyes as to why I have been so short and temperamental with you lately. I am sorry I stomped on you the other day when you made my Mii fall off the ice on the advanced obstacle course. That was uncalled for. Please straighten our your attitude though, so that these things will be unlikely to occur in the future. See you at home,

Bec

The Crazies Are Out

Well, it is summer again and you all know what that means.... The Crazies are out again! Just like the heat and sun bring out the mosquitoes, bees, ticks, and ants, the warm weather is also the cue for letting out the people you want to look at and ask, "How did you get dressed by yourself this morning?" But these people are usually comic relief to the backdrop of my life and so I don't mind them too much (unless they are trying to drive cars or are in my way at the grocery store). No, they are fine. Last night though, I saw a new level of crazy. This wasn't an ant, tick, or mosquito. It was the Queen Bee of crazy!

I was stopping to get gas and a little blue chevy cobalt pulled up behind me. I know a couple of people who drive such a car, so I turned to see if I knew this person. Of course, it was no one I knew. It was an older man, dressed kind of shabbily, with long, messy, salt and pepper hair wearing rather large eye-glasses. So, I turn and get back to my gas-pumping. I am almost finished when I hear this very loud shriek that shocked me so much that it took a few seconds to even realize where it was coming from or what was being said. It was so startling I almost "hit the deck" and threw myself on the floor with my hands over head. I can't even describe it in words... It sounded like a signal to the end of the earth--like the screamer was trying to get the attention of everyone within a ten mile radius. It scared the hell out of me. I thought there was a gun-wielding maniac on the loose and some samaritan was trying to signal for me to get the hell out of there!

I could not find my keys fast enough. The screaming continued. It was definitely coming from the man who just pulled up behind me. I was sure of it now. I turned around to see if he was being ripped apart by coyotes. He was not. He was just standing there pumping gas, a little boy was now standing next to him. It was quiet now, but surely one of them was the screamer! The noise was definitely coming from the parking lot and no one else was there!

I scrambled to get the keys in the ignition, stomped on the clutch to start the car, put her in second (I didn't have time for first at this point!) and left as quickly as possible. Once safely out into traffic, I began trying to process what in the hell was going on behind me. The man with the cobalt was still there pumping gas, now looking as calm as can be. I replayed the screams. I am pretty sure the man was screaming (not yelling, but actually SCREAMING), "GODDAAAAMMMNN CAP!! GODDAMNIT CAP! FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKK!"

Now, my word of advice is this: If your gas cap gives you this much trouble, you should probably stay at home. There are many things more complicated than a gas cap out in this big, scary, world. Oh, and if you are that fucking crazy, you probably should not be driving, nor should you be allowed around small children. Please go back into hibernation and quit scaring the shit out of those of us who are innocently pumping our gas!