February 15, 2013

The Demise of Free-Thinking Sane People: Part 1

The sanity of Americans, collectively speaking, seems to be sinking to an all-time low. All Americans. Not Republican Americans, or Democratic Americans, or Libertarian Americans, or Green Americans... All of us.

And why shouldn't it be sinking? We have a media whose only job is to make sure we are too scared to go outside, make new friends, take a vacation, or discipline our children. They keep us abreast of which new phobia is all the rage. And with technological advances, they can scare us with news from every single continent in real time! The media lets you know who you should like, who you should hate, who you should fear, what you should eat, and where you should live!

Every. Single. Damn. Day. If you are like me, your morning goes a little something like this:

You turn on the news in the morning while you are getting ready for work. You are just curious as to what the weather will be like so you know whether to wear a light jacket or a ski suit to the office. Also, it is just kind of nice to have white noise in the background as you complete your morning routine. As you are in the bathroom applying mascara you hear a perky, over-caffeinated voice coming from the next room, "Are you too fat to live? You might think so, BUT new research shows that if you are skinny, you might DIE earlier than if you are fat. Of course, if your BMI is over this certain threshold, you could ALSO be at an increased chance of dying sooner than those other people who are just the right amount of skinny. Find out where YOU fall after these messages from our sponsors." You look down at yourself and think, Ohmigosh. Am I the right amount of skinny? I don't even know what my BMI is anymore. Holy hell, when is the last time I went to the doctor--

Then the pharmaceutical commercials start and interrupt your inner dialogue about the BMI dilemma with the following: "Do you have frequent outbursts of laughter and or sadness? Millions of other Americans also laugh and cry. Some suffer from this everyday. You are not alone. BUT you are  ALL inferior and need this pill to make you better people."

Are they SPYING ON ME??? I laugh and cry ALL THE TIME. It is CONSTANT. Do I need that pill? Maybe if I were a better person, people would quit flipping me off on the freeway...

"Back to your news for the morning! But before we tell you how fat you should be for optimal health, we first take you to Mike in the newsroom. He is going to tell you some very critical information on how to know if your sweet, elderly neighbor is really a terrorist who is secretly plotting to kill you and your family. That might look like a regular old van in his driveway, but we have experts from a tiny island in the middle of the ocean who have had experience with one man who possessed a van much like the one your neighbor has-and they know better. And they are here to scare the absolute shit out of you purely for a network ratings boost. Mike?"

Holy hell. My 86 year old neighbor DOES have an old van. I better listen to what these experts say. It could save my life for heaven's sake! I KNEW he wasn't just taking his wheelchair-bound daughter to the grocery store in that thing. How stupid could I have been??? You just can't trust anyone these days. Man, you learn so much when you are just trying to see the windchill factor for the next 24 hours!

"Have you ever taken a birth control pill? If so, you are most likely going to die from a pulmonary embolism very soon. Please call us so we can sue your doctor BEFORE YOU DIE!"

Ok, fuck this. I'm going back to bed.




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