Well, those of you who know me well may be surprised that I don't already have 47 blogs about idiots with cars. There are so many freaking moronic drivers out there, and I am usually bitching about some kind of wreckless encounter or near-death-experience I have been exposed to as the result of some self-important retard on a cell-phone, or stuffing their face, or doing make-up, or trying to read a damn book while driving. The scary thing is, though, that a lot of the time, the wreckless incompetent fool isn't doing ANYTHING distracting at all. They are just dumbasses.
I had an especially interesting drive to work today (I only go 10 miles. I can only imagine if I had to go farther). I have decided that you are an idiotic driver if:
1. You cannot figure out the left lane is for passing or turning. Passing or turning. Repeat to yourself. If you are in the left lane going exactly the speed limit, because you have to turn left ten miles down the road, well, you are a moron and shouldn't be surprised to see me behind you, riding your ass, honking incessantly and waving you off the road. Get a clue, move your ass to the right lane so everyone else can get where they need to go.
2. You slam on your brakes every time you see a cop car on the road. I mean, honestly. Do you really think the cop didn't see you going 80 mph, and then stomp on the brake? Give. Me. A. Break. But the scary thing is, most people who do this brake-stomping are already going the speed limit or close to it. Last time I checked most cops didn't pull people over for going the speed limit, so chill the fuck out. You are causing fifty car pile-ups behind you because the rest of us are assuming you are about to run over a small child or that a crater the size of the Grand Canyon has just opened up in the road the way you are frantically braking ahead of us.
3. You have to pull all the way over into oncoming traffic to make a right turn. Honestly. I actually saw someone do this today. If you can't make a right turn from your own lane, then maybe you shouldn't be driving. I can understand if you are in a semi, but most of the time the guilty driver is in a tiny compact or a sedan or something. If you can't handle a bigger car, don't buy one.
4. You assume that just because you clicked your blinker on, that no one is in your way and you have the right to change lanes. Ok, so at least you are ahead of most of the morons who don't even use their blinkers. HOWEVER, just because you flipped that little switch, doesn't actually mean that all the cars in the other lane magically disappeared. You still have to use these little reflective, rectangular doo-hickeys that we like to refer to as *mirrors* or turn your head a little and see if anyone is in your way. Just because I see your blinker doesn't mean I have to slow to a crawl to let you over, or that I myself can get over to let you in. Wait your turn and don't be a jerk.
5. You are wondering what a *blinker* is while reading 4. And I bet there are a lot of you (well, not MY blog readers, but out in the world in general). See, on the left side of your steering column there is a little stick that comes out. If you push it down, it means you want to turn left, or get in the left lane. If you flip it up, it signals that you want to go right or get in the right lane. I know how tricky that must be for some people, but you are going to have to work on it because the rest of us aren't freaking mind-readers and I, for one, have no problem letting you wreck into me.
6. You think you need to slow to a crawl anytime there are cops or emergency vehicles on the side of the road. Unless you personally know someone, KEEP MOVING. I understand slowing down a little to ensure others' safety. But for the love of all that is good and holy, quit the rubbernecking. Some of us have places to go.
7. You think you can drive however the hell you want because you are in a giant truck. I almost got plowed this morning by a garbage truck who just pulled right across the street. But non-commercial trucks are just as bad.
8. You think you can talk on your phone, eat, and drive a stick shift all at the same time. You can't. Trust me. No matter how good you think you are driving, there are ten people behind you (and maybe a few in the car with you) wondering what the hell you are doing, and hoping you stop soon.
9. You take up two or three spaces every time you park. You aren't that special. Neither is your car. Get over yourself. Some of us are toting around toddlers and infants and it is a hassle to park 8 miles away just because some fucking self-righteous moron took up three spaces up close. If you are worried about scratches and dings, YOU park eight miles away. Besides, you are more likely to get scratches and dings from other drivers who are pissed off that you took up three spaces when you park like a jack-ass. Or, if my husband is in the right kind of quirky mood, you will come out to find your car covered with all the garbage from the inside of our car :)
10. Lastly, you are an idiotic driver if you read all nine of these and have no idea what I'm talking about, or think I am a jerk for belittling your daily driving routine.
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