The Crazies Are Out

Well, it is summer again and you all know what that means.... The Crazies are out again! Just like the heat and sun bring out the mosquitoes, bees, ticks, and ants, the warm weather is also the cue for letting out the people you want to look at and ask, "How did you get dressed by yourself this morning?" But these people are usually comic relief to the backdrop of my life and so I don't mind them too much (unless they are trying to drive cars or are in my way at the grocery store). No, they are fine. Last night though, I saw a new level of crazy. This wasn't an ant, tick, or mosquito. It was the Queen Bee of crazy!

I was stopping to get gas and a little blue chevy cobalt pulled up behind me. I know a couple of people who drive such a car, so I turned to see if I knew this person. Of course, it was no one I knew. It was an older man, dressed kind of shabbily, with long, messy, salt and pepper hair wearing rather large eye-glasses. So, I turn and get back to my gas-pumping. I am almost finished when I hear this very loud shriek that shocked me so much that it took a few seconds to even realize where it was coming from or what was being said. It was so startling I almost "hit the deck" and threw myself on the floor with my hands over head. I can't even describe it in words... It sounded like a signal to the end of the earth--like the screamer was trying to get the attention of everyone within a ten mile radius. It scared the hell out of me. I thought there was a gun-wielding maniac on the loose and some samaritan was trying to signal for me to get the hell out of there!

I could not find my keys fast enough. The screaming continued. It was definitely coming from the man who just pulled up behind me. I was sure of it now. I turned around to see if he was being ripped apart by coyotes. He was not. He was just standing there pumping gas, a little boy was now standing next to him. It was quiet now, but surely one of them was the screamer! The noise was definitely coming from the parking lot and no one else was there!

I scrambled to get the keys in the ignition, stomped on the clutch to start the car, put her in second (I didn't have time for first at this point!) and left as quickly as possible. Once safely out into traffic, I began trying to process what in the hell was going on behind me. The man with the cobalt was still there pumping gas, now looking as calm as can be. I replayed the screams. I am pretty sure the man was screaming (not yelling, but actually SCREAMING), "GODDAAAAMMMNN CAP!! GODDAMNIT CAP! FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKK!"

Now, my word of advice is this: If your gas cap gives you this much trouble, you should probably stay at home. There are many things more complicated than a gas cap out in this big, scary, world. Oh, and if you are that fucking crazy, you probably should not be driving, nor should you be allowed around small children. Please go back into hibernation and quit scaring the shit out of those of us who are innocently pumping our gas!