There needs to be a different take on the plain old driving test people take at the DMV. Surely there is a more life-like driving test than one where you are in a car with a crotchety old lady taking notes on her clipboard while you make laps around a parking lot, cross one busy intersection and drive politely through a low-traffic neighborhood.
Personally, I think the driving test should consist of a half hour trip on a busy interstate during rush hour. Because if you are trying to merge in front of me on 270 at 6pm, I really don't give two shits if you can do a perfect three-point turn-about, or that you know to stop for 3 full seconds at a stop sign. All I care about is that you know you should be going more than 40 miles per hour, and that if you really want out of the Exit Only lane, you have a fucking blinker on.
Now, I know it would be hard to perform a test of this magnitude on a daily basis... what, with all the DMV cronies being unionized and all. So, I propose that in the case that a proxy is needed, a new driver has to have a dash camera installed for a week, and can drive alone under a provisionary license, pending approval after the viewing of the week's video tape. Seriously, this whole driving debate has gotten out of hand. I know I have a short fuse when it comes to the road, and I know I have a lead foot, and that I prefer people who know to get the hell out of my way-- but that isn't the whole story. The rest of the story starts like this: PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO F'ING DRIVE!!!
Now, they have these new laws saying kids can't drive until they are 18, because studies show 16 year olds have the most wrecks. No shit, they have the most wrecks. They are the least experienced! Now, instead of having 16 year olds who don't know what the hell they are doing, we will just have 18 year olds who don't know what the hell they are doing. And NOW they are two years behind in finding out what the hell they are supposed to be doing. So, when they are 21 and in college, they will still be driving like we did when we were 18 and now they can also drink, so it is just going to be a disaster.
And truthfully, some people will just never have a clue. There are 16 year olds RIGHT NOW that I am SURE could drive better than some 30 year olds I know. These are the facts, folks. I don't know what the point of this rant is, except that I am just really pissed that I am going to have to drive to St. Louis tomorrow in snow, and I know there will be idiot drivers out there who think they are excellent because some old biddy with tri-focals said they pulled out of a driveway without crossing the center line, so they got an extra star on their licensing test. And my panties are pretty twisted about it.
December 2, 2010
October 28, 2010
We Can Put a Man On The Moon, but...
--We can't make a cereal box that will stay shut after you ever-so-carefully pry the stupid cardboard back without ripping the little tab off
--We can't make a rock-hauling truck with a convenient little flap/lid thing that will allow the trailer to be conveniently filled at the quarry, but then can be closed to prevents rocks from flying out of it on the highway that crack the windshields of all the poor bastards behind it.
--We can't make vodka that doesn't give you a hangover or ruin your liver. Seriously. What is up with that?
--We still don't have hoverboards a la Back to the Future II. I am almost as pissed about this as I am about the vodka thing.
--We can't make a rock-hauling truck with a convenient little flap/lid thing that will allow the trailer to be conveniently filled at the quarry, but then can be closed to prevents rocks from flying out of it on the highway that crack the windshields of all the poor bastards behind it.
--We can't make vodka that doesn't give you a hangover or ruin your liver. Seriously. What is up with that?
--We still don't have hoverboards a la Back to the Future II. I am almost as pissed about this as I am about the vodka thing.
August 26, 2010
Businesses in Houses
Random Thought #457
You really should not try to have a business out of a building that looks exactly like a house, or that used to BE a house unless any of the following are true:
1) The house has gigantic windows in front that you intend to keep clear of blinds, curtains or any other opaque obstacle between the street and your merchandise
2) The house is on a very busy street LINED with other business-houses
3) The house is a hundred year old mansion and every local within a 50 mile radius knows that it is now zoned for commercial property and that no one has lived there for years
Now, let me tell you why. See, some of us are paranoid nut-jobs and when we googlemaps a store location, drive there and realize that the place we are seeking is a two-story bungalow sitting outside a suburban neighborhood with only a hand-painted sign out front signifying that it is a business and not a residence, our minds go into over-drive and start envisioning ridiculous scenarios that we are already fully aware will probably never take place. However, once those thoughts are inside our minds, they are hard to shake.
For instance, this past weekend I drove past a little house sitting out in the middle of nowhere on an old road, outside of a major metropolis. A sign out front read, "Coffee Shop" but I wasn't buying it. All of the windows were covered, the front door was nothing but a regular six-panel wooden door. How do I know that once I walk through that door I'm not going to be turned into a wax manequin or a human lamp? It is a pretty good cover, really. Act like you are a coffee shop, but dismember people in your basement. (Yes, I know I watch too many horror films. My husband is probably right to try and cure me of that...)
Second, even if it IS a legitimate business, if it looks like a house, I always feel awkward just walking in. Yes, I am a pretty introverted person and I am sure others do not have this problem. But my inner dialogue when faced with such a dilemma goes like this:
"Should I knock?"
"No, of course not. It is a store!"
"Yes, but what if it is just one little old lady selling antiques and she is at lunch, but she just has lunch in her own kitchen because she lives here, too and I walk in and make her get up and put her slippers back on just to greet me at the door?"
"Well, if they were at lunch, I am sure there would be a sign up, or the door will be locked."
"Oh, ok. Yes, there would be a sign up. Or the door will be locked... I will try the door." ---door creaks open...
"Oh, it isn't locked! I bet they just forgot to lock it. It is definitely lunch time Oh, shit I will just go to the freaking mall!"
Now, if the business looks like a home but has huge picture windows that can easily be seen from the street, I feel a little better. SURELY no one will turn me into furniture if any old passerby can see inside the house. If there is merchandise displayed in the window, even better. Then I know that you at least have stuff for sale (or are very committed to conning people) and I can feel a little relieved when I walk through the front door without knocking first.
So, these are just a few marketing tips for anyone who is looking to open their own business in the near future. Yes, I am looking into starting therapy sometime soon. Thanks for asking.
You really should not try to have a business out of a building that looks exactly like a house, or that used to BE a house unless any of the following are true:
1) The house has gigantic windows in front that you intend to keep clear of blinds, curtains or any other opaque obstacle between the street and your merchandise
2) The house is on a very busy street LINED with other business-houses
3) The house is a hundred year old mansion and every local within a 50 mile radius knows that it is now zoned for commercial property and that no one has lived there for years
Now, let me tell you why. See, some of us are paranoid nut-jobs and when we googlemaps a store location, drive there and realize that the place we are seeking is a two-story bungalow sitting outside a suburban neighborhood with only a hand-painted sign out front signifying that it is a business and not a residence, our minds go into over-drive and start envisioning ridiculous scenarios that we are already fully aware will probably never take place. However, once those thoughts are inside our minds, they are hard to shake.
For instance, this past weekend I drove past a little house sitting out in the middle of nowhere on an old road, outside of a major metropolis. A sign out front read, "Coffee Shop" but I wasn't buying it. All of the windows were covered, the front door was nothing but a regular six-panel wooden door. How do I know that once I walk through that door I'm not going to be turned into a wax manequin or a human lamp? It is a pretty good cover, really. Act like you are a coffee shop, but dismember people in your basement. (Yes, I know I watch too many horror films. My husband is probably right to try and cure me of that...)
Second, even if it IS a legitimate business, if it looks like a house, I always feel awkward just walking in. Yes, I am a pretty introverted person and I am sure others do not have this problem. But my inner dialogue when faced with such a dilemma goes like this:
"Should I knock?"
"No, of course not. It is a store!"
"Yes, but what if it is just one little old lady selling antiques and she is at lunch, but she just has lunch in her own kitchen because she lives here, too and I walk in and make her get up and put her slippers back on just to greet me at the door?"
"Well, if they were at lunch, I am sure there would be a sign up, or the door will be locked."
"Oh, ok. Yes, there would be a sign up. Or the door will be locked... I will try the door." ---door creaks open...
"Oh, it isn't locked! I bet they just forgot to lock it. It is definitely lunch time Oh, shit I will just go to the freaking mall!"
Now, if the business looks like a home but has huge picture windows that can easily be seen from the street, I feel a little better. SURELY no one will turn me into furniture if any old passerby can see inside the house. If there is merchandise displayed in the window, even better. Then I know that you at least have stuff for sale (or are very committed to conning people) and I can feel a little relieved when I walk through the front door without knocking first.
So, these are just a few marketing tips for anyone who is looking to open their own business in the near future. Yes, I am looking into starting therapy sometime soon. Thanks for asking.
June 9, 2010
Random List of Things I Thought About Today
1) If being an adultress is so bad, we should really stop making celebrities out of all the home-wrecking whores who sleep with famous married men.
2) A sports bra coupled with pajama pants is really not going out attire. Related fact: If your shirt doesn't cover your belly (pregnant or not) you really should not wear it to the unemployment office, or to a job interview. Or probably anywhere else.
3) The idiot in front of you going ten miles under the speed limit will ALWAYS be the first one in a line of traffic to run a red-light. I really want to follow these people to their destinations and explain to them that had they been driving the speed limit, they would have made the light in the first place-- along with the fifty-seven of us stuck behind them.
4) If you have to pull into on-coming traffic to make a right-hand turn, you really should not be allowed to drive. I edited this comment, because my first suggestion for people like this made the the angel on my right shoulder cry.
5) I go back and forth on the issue of the death penalty. I am really liberal when it comes to MOST issues, but for some reason I have a hard time towing the party-line on this one. In theory, I am against the death penalty. I mean, it actually costs MORE money to kill someone than to make them rot in prison until they die. Besides, I think a life of imprisonment would be WORSE than dying in some instances. And, if I think about it long enough I guess I believe that some people can be rehabilitated, that all life has meaning, and (fill in the blank with bleeding-heart-liberal reason HERE). However, if someone did something to my kids, I know within my soul that the authorities better find the bastard before my husband or I do.
Hmmm... that is all for now.
2) A sports bra coupled with pajama pants is really not going out attire. Related fact: If your shirt doesn't cover your belly (pregnant or not) you really should not wear it to the unemployment office, or to a job interview. Or probably anywhere else.
3) The idiot in front of you going ten miles under the speed limit will ALWAYS be the first one in a line of traffic to run a red-light. I really want to follow these people to their destinations and explain to them that had they been driving the speed limit, they would have made the light in the first place-- along with the fifty-seven of us stuck behind them.
4) If you have to pull into on-coming traffic to make a right-hand turn, you really should not be allowed to drive. I edited this comment, because my first suggestion for people like this made the the angel on my right shoulder cry.
5) I go back and forth on the issue of the death penalty. I am really liberal when it comes to MOST issues, but for some reason I have a hard time towing the party-line on this one. In theory, I am against the death penalty. I mean, it actually costs MORE money to kill someone than to make them rot in prison until they die. Besides, I think a life of imprisonment would be WORSE than dying in some instances. And, if I think about it long enough I guess I believe that some people can be rehabilitated, that all life has meaning, and (fill in the blank with bleeding-heart-liberal reason HERE). However, if someone did something to my kids, I know within my soul that the authorities better find the bastard before my husband or I do.
Hmmm... that is all for now.
May 21, 2010
More FAILS brought to you by craigslist...
IT RUN AND DRIVE BUT I MADE A MISTAKE OF BUY IT BECAUSE MY LEG CANT IT BECAUSE IT A 5SPEED STICKAND IT HAS AN OPEN TITLE ON IT. CALLXXX-XXX-XXXX
Yet another victim of grammar... Is he seriously blaming his leg for not being able to drive a 5 speed? Wouldn't you know it was a 5 Speed before you bought it? Well, at least it runs AND drives. That is lucky... and how did you buy it if it has an open title???
this car i bought 2 days after new years (in America, we call that day January 3rd) need a car for work and i bought it for 1700 of a dealer paid it in cash (ok, thanks for letting us know)
and already changed OIL sensor and TRENSMISION sensor (well, I have no idea what that is, but I am glad you changed it) and this car is awesome to me it got me to work i bought it with 148,8xx miles and
has 155.xxx know its all high way miles for work and am selling so cheap because am moving out of the country and need the money END OF JUNE amd
leaving JULY 7th SO I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SELL IT THIL JUNE 30TH OR JULY 3RD
am asking 1000 OR... OBO.......(dude, you don't have to put OR.. the first "O" in OBO stands for OR) NO TRADESS........ because this car is worth more then a 1000 the way it is
I don't know why, but I just couldn't stop laughing while reading this
its a V6 automatic 2.5L never i never went over 80 because i DO NOT RACE it like other idiots (you let other idiots race your car? That is a really poor decision) its just a work car to get me A to B
the GOOD..(oh, good there's more!)
the car runs GREAT
has moon roof
has a cd player that can plug up UBS and ipods
the ENGINE IS VERY CLEAN (oh, good. I hate when I have to look at dirty engines)
i bought the car wit check engine light on and the dealer passed it for me (What? What does this mean? You cannot pass emissions with a check engine light on... no dealer can do that. Unless he is scamming you because he wants to sell you a car)
and he put new engine mounds on it to hold it together I am guessing you mean that he put new MOUNTS in the car to hold the engine in place. But I may be wrong. Maybe he built up giant mounds Native American style to pay homage to engines everywhere, in the hopes that this would keep away evil engine demons who wish to tear your engine apart. I don't know.
it has no rust on enigne Yes, you have established how clean it is already
the bad.....
check engine light is on
driver seat goes back its broken its automatic seat huh?
it has little bit rust on the side skirts because of its age
owner before me tryed setting up the wiring to the speakers and they messed it up and know i never tryed to fix it but i bought a twitter from walmart What?
and on the side fender has a dent in it i got sit by a drunk and he ran off I am sorry, but I just keep imaging some drunk guy with running up and *sitting* on this guy's fender and then running away like a mad-man. Maybe those engine mounds didn't help after all...
Yet another victim of grammar... Is he seriously blaming his leg for not being able to drive a 5 speed? Wouldn't you know it was a 5 Speed before you bought it? Well, at least it runs AND drives. That is lucky... and how did you buy it if it has an open title???
Whatever. NEXT!
this car i bought 2 days after new years (in America, we call that day January 3rd) need a car for work and i bought it for 1700 of a dealer paid it in cash (ok, thanks for letting us know)
and already changed OIL sensor and TRENSMISION sensor (well, I have no idea what that is, but I am glad you changed it) and this car is awesome to me it got me to work i bought it with 148,8xx miles and
has 155.xxx know its all high way miles for work and am selling so cheap because am moving out of the country and need the money END OF JUNE amd
leaving JULY 7th SO I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SELL IT THIL JUNE 30TH OR JULY 3RD
am asking 1000 OR... OBO.......(dude, you don't have to put OR.. the first "O" in OBO stands for OR) NO TRADESS........ because this car is worth more then a 1000 the way it is
I don't know why, but I just couldn't stop laughing while reading this
its a V6 automatic 2.5L never i never went over 80 because i DO NOT RACE it like other idiots (you let other idiots race your car? That is a really poor decision) its just a work car to get me A to B
the GOOD..(oh, good there's more!)
the car runs GREAT
has moon roof
has a cd player that can plug up UBS and ipods
the ENGINE IS VERY CLEAN (oh, good. I hate when I have to look at dirty engines)
i bought the car wit check engine light on and the dealer passed it for me (What? What does this mean? You cannot pass emissions with a check engine light on... no dealer can do that. Unless he is scamming you because he wants to sell you a car)
and he put new engine mounds on it to hold it together I am guessing you mean that he put new MOUNTS in the car to hold the engine in place. But I may be wrong. Maybe he built up giant mounds Native American style to pay homage to engines everywhere, in the hopes that this would keep away evil engine demons who wish to tear your engine apart. I don't know.
it has no rust on enigne Yes, you have established how clean it is already
the bad.....
check engine light is on
driver seat goes back its broken its automatic seat huh?
it has little bit rust on the side skirts because of its age
owner before me tryed setting up the wiring to the speakers and they messed it up and know i never tryed to fix it but i bought a twitter from walmart What?
and on the side fender has a dent in it i got sit by a drunk and he ran off I am sorry, but I just keep imaging some drunk guy with running up and *sitting* on this guy's fender and then running away like a mad-man. Maybe those engine mounds didn't help after all...
Please, I know I am being a bitch, but look at this grammar and spelling. PLEASE STATES EVERYWHERE IN THE U.S.A.: THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY WE NEED *MORE* FUNDING FOR EDUCATION. NOT *LESS.* WE HAVE PEOPLE DRIVING CARS AND WORKING WHO CANNOT SPELL SIMPLE WORDS LIKE *TRIED* AND THEY DO NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN *NO* AND *KNOW.* AND THEY CANNOT FORM GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES EVEN WHEN MONEY AND WELL-BEING DEPEND ON IT! And it really pisses me off. The system has been failing all over the place. Ok, rant over.
May 19, 2010
Welcome to a new segment I like to call: Craigslist FAIL
I have had the pleasure of needing to use craigslist a lot lately. I use it to hunt down jobs for people, and right now we are in the market for a new vehicle (read: any used car that still runs and gets more than 20 miles to the gallon). So, I have run across quite a few interesting ads and decided to share them with you all (I have x'ed out all phone numbers and other identifying information). First one I ran across today:
"VERY BRITY BLACK CADILLAC MIGHT HAVE A HEAD GASKET LEATHER SEATS SUNROOF PRICE TO SELL CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX"
This is the classic, "I don't understand punctuation nor do I care to know it's relevance in the English language" post. It MIGHT have a head gasket? I sure as shit HOPE it has a head gasket. In fact, if it is a V6 or V8, I hope it has TWO! WTF? And what the hell does "brity" mean? FAIL
The next one I found today that made me chuckle to myself...
For Sale: 1990 Nissan 240SX. In Fair condition. Needs interior work. No A/C, electric headlights don't work, Motor is not working. Doesn't run. (Okay at this point I am beginning to doubt the seller's knowledge of the meaning "fair condition.") Nice car to fix up a little, and is a good racing/drifting car. (I am guessing he means when it runs?) Is asking $1000.00 OBO. If you have any questions just contact the e-mail provided. Car is a 2 door hatchback, manual, some rust spots, has sun roof, No radio. We will detail it before pickup. (What the frick for? Are you kidding me? You are going to waste money getting this POS DETAILED???) Nice Peppy car once it runs. (But in the mean time, I want you to pay me $1000 for a 20 year old car that has no a/c, no headlights, no working motor, no radio, and has rust--the car equivalent of cancer. MmmmkSureThanksbubye!)
More to come as I run across them...
"VERY BRITY BLACK CADILLAC MIGHT HAVE A HEAD GASKET LEATHER SEATS SUNROOF PRICE TO SELL CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX"
This is the classic, "I don't understand punctuation nor do I care to know it's relevance in the English language" post. It MIGHT have a head gasket? I sure as shit HOPE it has a head gasket. In fact, if it is a V6 or V8, I hope it has TWO! WTF? And what the hell does "brity" mean? FAIL
The next one I found today that made me chuckle to myself...
For Sale: 1990 Nissan 240SX. In Fair condition. Needs interior work. No A/C, electric headlights don't work, Motor is not working. Doesn't run. (Okay at this point I am beginning to doubt the seller's knowledge of the meaning "fair condition.") Nice car to fix up a little, and is a good racing/drifting car. (I am guessing he means when it runs?) Is asking $1000.00 OBO. If you have any questions just contact the e-mail provided. Car is a 2 door hatchback, manual, some rust spots, has sun roof, No radio. We will detail it before pickup. (What the frick for? Are you kidding me? You are going to waste money getting this POS DETAILED???) Nice Peppy car once it runs. (But in the mean time, I want you to pay me $1000 for a 20 year old car that has no a/c, no headlights, no working motor, no radio, and has rust--the car equivalent of cancer. MmmmkSureThanksbubye!)
More to come as I run across them...
May 13, 2010
Driving In The Rain
I don't know what it is about rain that makes many of you crazy. Is it the over-stimulation of all the pretty lights being reflected in the puddles in the street? Do you get distracted by the wipers going back and forth, back and forth across your windshield? I know; Maybe it is that the pitter-patter of the drops falling on the roof of your car lulls you to sleep at the wheel. Is that it? Please help me out. Because if I have to drive behind one more vehicle going 15 mph's under the speed limit during rush hour because it is sprinkling, I am going to scream.
I will make this very simple. If you cannot drive in the rain, or if you are too scared to drive at the first sign of cloud cover, please do the rest of us a favor and stay at home. We know you have places to be, but please call-in sick to work, find a bus or a friend who can take you where you need to go. It will make everything more pleasant for all of us. I understand if it is a down-pour. Please, if you feel like you can no longer drive safely due to rain fall, pull over and wait it out. Oh, and turn your flashers on so everyone can see you.
For those of you who just HAVE to drive in the rain despite your complete absence of sense while doing so, here are some tips:
1) If it is raining hard enough that you need your wipers on, you should also have your headlights on. Not only is this a law in many states, it is also just a really swell idea. You see-- as my four year old pointed out the other day as we were driving in the dreary, London-like fog-- when it is raining the sun is hidden from view, making early morning rush hour look much like dusk, or even nightfall! Lights are a grand idea if you would not like other drivers plowing into you on the road.
2) Hydroplaning is not that big of a deal if you have both hands on the steering wheel. In other words, when it is raining put your fricking phone, donut, or mascara down and drive the car! And don't swerve all over the place trying to over-correct yourself. Just hang on to your wheel and keep the tires going forward!
3) If you do not know what hydroplaning is, stay home. Seriously. I don't care if Christ himself invited you over for dinner. Stay the hell away from the car until it clears up outside.
4) If you have found this post to be confusing or rude, please find someone who thinks it is funny and have them drive your dumb ass around next time it rains.
I will make this very simple. If you cannot drive in the rain, or if you are too scared to drive at the first sign of cloud cover, please do the rest of us a favor and stay at home. We know you have places to be, but please call-in sick to work, find a bus or a friend who can take you where you need to go. It will make everything more pleasant for all of us. I understand if it is a down-pour. Please, if you feel like you can no longer drive safely due to rain fall, pull over and wait it out. Oh, and turn your flashers on so everyone can see you.
For those of you who just HAVE to drive in the rain despite your complete absence of sense while doing so, here are some tips:
1) If it is raining hard enough that you need your wipers on, you should also have your headlights on. Not only is this a law in many states, it is also just a really swell idea. You see-- as my four year old pointed out the other day as we were driving in the dreary, London-like fog-- when it is raining the sun is hidden from view, making early morning rush hour look much like dusk, or even nightfall! Lights are a grand idea if you would not like other drivers plowing into you on the road.
2) Hydroplaning is not that big of a deal if you have both hands on the steering wheel. In other words, when it is raining put your fricking phone, donut, or mascara down and drive the car! And don't swerve all over the place trying to over-correct yourself. Just hang on to your wheel and keep the tires going forward!
3) If you do not know what hydroplaning is, stay home. Seriously. I don't care if Christ himself invited you over for dinner. Stay the hell away from the car until it clears up outside.
4) If you have found this post to be confusing or rude, please find someone who thinks it is funny and have them drive your dumb ass around next time it rains.
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